The veil.

I cry to my mother like a three-year-old. I yell at my parents as if they are a part of my peer group. I am hurt over small and petty issues. I am short-tempered. There is a lot of anguish inside me. There is a lot of self-praise, there is a lot of anger. There is a hesitation, there is confusion. There is a lot of hatred for some people, there is a lot of love for some of them and I am unable to display, both!

There are times when everything breaks inside. There are times when it feels like someone just grabbed your guts and pulled them out in a jiffy.

Then there are times of extreme happiness when you want to dance to yourself in front of the whole world and at the same time there is shyness for that ecstatic display of joy.

But, you don’t know me this way!

I wear a veil! Something which I don’t want to, but have to.

I am a strong woman, who shows great strength in difficult situations. I show great confidence while I am fidgeting inside.

I am frightened within, while I am telling myself – everything will be all right. I am a woman with poised behavior while dealing with my clumsiness. I act nonchalant while the anxiety is all about to take me over. I give you a smile while am frowning inside.

I am not even half way to being complacent, but I show you my smug face. I keep aside my vulnerability and show you my resilient self.

There are moments when I should have been frightened, but I wasn’t.

I behave like a grown-up, mature and brave woman, while I still need the care and support of my parents.

I patiently listen to your irrational and baseless arguments while I question your unfairness. I try to talk to you, while I question your silence.

I want to hug you for your overwhelming gesture, I want to slap you for your ungrateful behavior. But, I don’t. Can’t.

I wear this veil to face you, fight you, go through you!

But sometimes I want to be the way I am! Can I?

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Can I tell you how vulnerable I am? Will you take that as my weakness?

Can I tell you how proud I am of myself? Will you take that as my arrogance?

Can I tell you how often do I cry? Can I tell you how often it is difficult to show up every day? Can I tell you how often I am NOT self-assured?

Can I tell you about the chaos inside my head?

Can I tell you how much I hate you? Can I disturb that shallow ‘peace’ of shit between the two of us?

Can I tell you how often I don’t want to wake up and face you?

Can I tell you how often I want to break free? Can I show you my rage?

Can I tell you the truth behind this veil?

Can I tell you there are two sides to me?

Maybe; maybe not!

Maybe this world isn’t ready for me. Maybe I am not ready for this world.

Maybe, there isn’t time yet, to show my other side to you OR maybe, I am in transition to this veiled person!

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Scarred, or scared!?

She was sitting with 10 others in a conference room in a big corporate office where the marketing strategies for a new product were being discussed. She has this idea in her mind for a month and thought to discuss it during this meeting. An hour passed, she kept listening to the excellent ideas being shared by her colleagues and was close to concluding that her idea will not be accepted. She was scared that she’ll make a fool out of herself.

But, then an inner voice came up, forced her to share that idea in front of 10 gentlemen. Although they welcomed her idea, discussed the strategies, but as she thought initially – her idea was not taken at the end, as other ideas were better. For a while, she was sad, felt low for few hours. But, now she knew why her idea was not accepted, what were the loopholes, which before, she didn’t. She did learn something!

How many times did you fall when you were trying to learn how to ride a bicycle? How many times did you fall when you used to play outdoor games with your friends? How many times did you physically hurt yourself in your formative years, OR rather…how many scars do you have?

Have you ever given a thought, if you were told, don’t go outside otherwise you’ll hurt yourself? If you were scared enough to not even try to ride that bicycle without those support wheels, had you ever been able to ride? NO. Had you ever been able to speak publicly, if your teacher had had not pushed you to give that speech in your school? NO.

Although you fell a few times, hurt yourself, maybe you still have those scars on your knees and elbows, others might have even laughed at you, but do you regret all that? I know, the answer is NO!

Yes, the challenges thrown to you by life are much bigger and more crucial than a conference room or riding a bicycle, but as the airplane flies on a simple concept of physics, here also the reason behind – ‘prefer to be scarred than scared’ is simple! You grow, you move forward.

You don’t always win – you fail, you fall, you get up, you learn, you repeat, you rise, you SHINE!

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Here, I am not saying that go and just jump into the sea on a stormy night when you don’t even know how to swim. Yes, the risks need to be calculated to an extent, the situation needs to be studied – but never let your inhibitions, your inner fear or any other voice in your head tell you that you can’t do it or even don’t let anyone else tell you that you can’t!

Not everything will work out. Not everything will be a success. If you manage to do it, you know what you did right and if you don’t, you go back and try again. In either case, you get better and that is a virtue that makes you stronger!

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There will be moments in your life, both professional and personal, where you can’t win. They’re true Kobayashi Maru situations, where no action will help. But even there, we need to see what can we take as a learning from them, which will be constructive to our growth and our self-discovery.

It is absolutely OK to make a wrong call or a wrong move, as long as you are self-aware to recognize it and learn from it, down the track.

Sometimes, until we are broken into pieces – we don’t get to know what we are made up of.

Actually, I have realized, you are never enough aware, what you are capable of. The tough situations in life let you know about your inner strength, failures let you know how you need to improve, losses will let you know what actually is important.

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So, you need to push your boundaries at every stage, overcome your fear, take that plunge and discover yourself. Who knows, in this journey, the world gets an incredible gift through your scars, let alone your own satisfaction and inner peace!

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Be it a career choice, a travel goal, a business idea, a dream which looks impossible, be it anything your heart desires – take that first step, move forward and don’t look back! I have learnt that every wrong step will just be another detour on a long road, it will not be the end!

Life is crazier. Life is messier. The world isn’t perfect and neither are you!

I prefer to be ‘scarred’. You?