Esoteric Soul.

Are you certain that the path upon which you place your feet every day is true to the soul and its intentions? Do you have a beacon of guiding light in your life? Are you sure about the actions you take every day? Are you certain, every time you take a decision?

I envy all those who will say Yes here! All those who are sure of themselves every day – I’m not.

This post is just an attempt to understand my own self, my own soul (in written this time). An attempt which I make every day, particularly in hindsight. I have somewhat learned to not have regrets in my life because I believe whatever we do at some point in life, that’s exactly what we wanted to do then. I have somewhat learned not to care about what others say about me!

But it often happens, after – I ask myself that why I did a particular thing, was it really a part of who I am, was it a societal/peer pressure, was it a trait which was uncovered the first time, was it situational and was it a step that will be taking me to the place/height (metaphors here) where I want to reach!

We often complain that why x, y or z don’t understand us? Why don’t they get it that a particular action could have a certain effect on us? Why they judge us? And we even blame our parents sometimes for not understanding us.

But recently, I have started asking my own self – do I know myself enough, do I know my liking or disliking, do I understand my fears, do I understand my motives, do I understand my actions? And the answer is neither Yes nor No. It is more than that!

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”  ~ The Perks of Being a Wallflower

With certain people, I feel like an animal soul, with certain I feel like a divine soul. With certain issues am an old soul, with others, I am like the young-at-heart bring-it-on personality.

At times, I feel emotionally sensitive and at times I feel so detached. There are even times when I am de-motional (detached and yet emotional). Sometimes I feel caged and sometimes I feel free like a bird.

At times, I am hopelessly optimistic about things, but at times I am like a defeated child.

It’s still a mystery to me how all these different traits are blended and fused within me, and make me who I am. I take it as a blessing sometimes as I am able to adapt myself in most of the given environments, but at times I feel this is the reason for my long struggle to understand myself.

And often I am stuck in the four traits of my own.

What I need to (divine soul) – What I want to (the external factors) – What I am able to (limitations set by mind) – What I do (animal soul)

All these traits are I, they make me – sometimes a winner, sometimes a failure, sometimes a giver, sometimes selfish, sometimes a leader, sometimes a follower, sometimes optimistic, sometimes pessimistic, sometimes a saint and sometimes a sinner!

Yet, this is one single entity, one body, one soul!

“I seem to know a lot about myself, but can’t tell who I am.”

At times, there is an attempt to reach the depth of my own self, to sublimate the animal soul and liberate the divine soul.

There is an attempt to uncover this esoteric soul and touch the yet invisible side of my own self, an attempt to be all wise, divine and creative. Not an easy path for sure!

Certainly, the answers lie in many wise and insightful ways. But again, there is a thought that what if I lose my innocence, the inner child while seeking the answers. What if I dive into a path with grave seriousness and lose the essence of the journey itself?

This again is a side to me, a mean side where I crave for all the answers while don’t want to lose out on the so-called adventurous part!

But, as today I am a year older, hopefully wiser – I feel the need to deep dive within myself, decide on the next path I take and seek the answers I don’t know while I don’t forget to bask in the beauty, the ups, and the downs, the adventures of this beautiful journey called Life!

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