I cry to my mother like a three-year-old. I yell at my parents as if they are a part of my peer group. I am hurt over small and petty issues. I am short-tempered. There is a lot of anguish inside me. There is a lot of self-praise, there is a lot of anger. There is a hesitation, there is confusion. There is a lot of hatred for some people, there is a lot of love for some of them and I am unable to display, both!
There are times when everything breaks inside. There are times when it feels like someone just grabbed your guts and pulled them out in a jiffy.
Then there are times of extreme happiness when you want to dance to yourself in front of the whole world and at the same time there is shyness for that ecstatic display of joy.
But, you don’t know me this way!
I wear a veil! Something which I don’t want to, but have to.
I am a strong woman, who shows great strength in difficult situations. I show great confidence while I am fidgeting inside.
I am frightened within, while I am telling myself – everything will be all right. I am a woman with poised behavior while dealing with my clumsiness. I act nonchalant while the anxiety is all about to take me over. I give you a smile while am frowning inside.
I am not even half way to being complacent, but I show you my smug face. I keep aside my vulnerability and show you my resilient self.
There are moments when I should have been frightened, but I wasn’t.
I behave like a grown-up, mature and brave woman, while I still need the care and support of my parents.
I patiently listen to your irrational and baseless arguments while I question your unfairness. I try to talk to you, while I question your silence.
I want to hug you for your overwhelming gesture, I want to slap you for your ungrateful behavior. But, I don’t. Can’t.
I wear this veil to face you, fight you, go through you!
But sometimes I want to be the way I am! Can I?
Can I tell you how vulnerable I am? Will you take that as my weakness?
Can I tell you how proud I am of myself? Will you take that as my arrogance?
Can I tell you how often do I cry? Can I tell you how often it is difficult to show up every day? Can I tell you how often I am NOT self-assured?
Can I tell you about the chaos inside my head?
Can I tell you how much I hate you? Can I disturb that shallow ‘peace’ of shit between the two of us?
Can I tell you how often I don’t want to wake up and face you?
Can I tell you how often I want to break free? Can I show you my rage?
Can I tell you the truth behind this veil?
Can I tell you there are two sides to me?
Maybe; maybe not!
Maybe this world isn’t ready for me. Maybe I am not ready for this world.
Maybe, there isn’t time yet, to show my other side to you OR maybe, I am in transition to this veiled person!