Your answers elude me!

I am walking on that lonely road. It’s dark, but I am fearless and brave, curious enough to know where it leads to. I see a ray of light coming from the bushes along the road – as somebody is showing me a path to follow. I go there making no sound, not even a whisper! I continue until I find a beautiful valley of flowers, the sun rising from its horizon, birds chirping. I see an angel standing there, right in the middle of smiling and glowing flowers. She is looking at me with that shining smile on her face. I ask her – why have you called me over here?

She says – ‘To tell you that, what you seek is all inside you, it’s your journey of life and only you can sort it out. Nobody else can and nobody else should.’ I ask her – what are you talking about? And as I ask this, the only thing I could hear is this loud music banging all over – annnnddd Good Morning! That’s my alarm tone!

I wake up after snoozing it, again and again, to get back to that dream, to complete the story but was defeated every time. Then, I get back to my daily chores – I get busy living OR may be busy dying; not sure yet!

We had questions. We always have had. They (parents) had the answers. To each one of them. Will I succeed at this? Will I fail at this? Why didn’t we go there? They had answers with all the explanations. Only, till we have had our own brain grown to its capacity – own rationality, reasoning taking its form! The answers became difficult to get and then later incomprehensible.

As the hard realities of life, the real fights, the so-called defined success and failures, the disappointments, started hitting us; as we grew in our false pride to be called as adults, the educated ones – the decision makers; questions became more complicated, leave the answers aside.

O Life! I fail to understand your game. Your plans! Your silence to my questions, the hidden meaning of your answers – they elude me.

I needed that so desperately to happen; I wanted to go on that trip with my friends so badly; I just missed that golden opportunity – that was my dream job. I was eagerly waiting for this day and look what it turned out to be.

Is the answer that I didn’t deserve all that, or have you planned something even better for me? Was that just my want and not my need? What are the answers and where are they?

Wait and do it patiently my friend – you might get an explanation to your questions, you might be able to connect the dots later OR you might have to all let it go. That’s easy, right! Wish it was.

Why there is that tide of thoughts, while sipping that coffee with my own company. Why a sentence in a book or a dialogue in a movie brings up that strange medley of thoughts in my mind – about life, about the present, about the future – about myself!

Why am I afraid of taking risks now? Why at one point in time I want to fly like a free bird in that vast blue sky and never look back and at another, why I want to settle and be caged with my loved ones and be for them forever. And why sometimes I feel, I need to balance both with dignity and be successful doing both. Why I want to run away from everything for my dreams and why those strings are so strong to hold me back?

Why am I unable to understand what you want in return for ‘that’? Why am I unable to understand what I actually need?

Why some prayers are answered and some not. Am I a different person, each time I ask you for something?

Why you suddenly create a turmoil in my life, ask me to fight, bring me to the edge that I am just about to fall off and then pull me back. Yes, I come back stronger and wiser! But, are you preparing me for another one, I am afraid!

Why there are nights, where I just stare at the deep blue sky with mysterious stillness and have questions about my own existence, the purpose of my life, the path I have chosen.

And then wakefulness lingers till late. Close to dawn, finally, sleep comes then. Though the thoughts are drowned somewhere, BUT only to rise again someday.

O Life! Tell me where I will get all these answers. I am ready to travel far and wide for them.

Or, get me that angel by my side to remind me every time I stumble against something before these infinite questions take my tranquility – that I have it all inside me and I need to sort it out all by myself.

Because may be c’est la vie – but the answers elude me.